This isn’t to brag, but without realizing it, I’ve become a role model friend – someone those close to me look up to for the way I maintain my relationships. At least that’s what they tell me.
Last month, my closest friend asked me for advice on how to stay connected to your community while balancing work, wellness, and everything else in your life. This is not an easy task. Loneliness levels in the United States are high, and instead of turning to each other, many people are using their technology devices, according to an American Psychiatric Association survey released May 12. Eight percent of Americans report having no close friends, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey of about 5,000 American adults.
Some companies now offer to make the friendship process easier, offering adult summer camps or advice from friendship coaches that can sometimes cost thousands of dollars. And when you form friendships, you might grow apart for a number of reasons, says Jessica D. Ayers, assistant professor of psychological sciences at Boise State University: classic reasons like moving to another state for a new job or being in different life stages, or newer reasons like trying to keep up with each other on social media and forgetting to stay in touch outside of your smartphones.
Especially if your friends have busy lives or don’t contact you often to make plans, making an effort to stay in touch can seem like an inherently altruistic gesture. In fact, making the effort to maintain friendships can benefit you, too, says Ayers, who researches the science of friendship and how to maintain connections. Staying connected with friends can improve well-being, reduce levels of depression and loneliness, decrease anxiety and even “increase our chances of survival after major surgery,” she says.
The benefit is mutual for both parties, Ayers says, especially in “long-lasting, sustained relationships.” And a high degree of social skill contributes to a longer, healthier, more fulfilled life, according to a Harvard University happiness study conducted 88 years ago. Simply put, your friendships can help you succeed.
Staying in touch can be a lot of work, at least on paper. I only fully realized this when I thought about the many strategies I had to stay connected to my community. I host several one-on-one Hangouts per month with a rotating group of friends, set aside time in my calendar to be present at my loved ones’ birthday celebrations, and stay on top of more than five group chats with friends and family.
In a sense, I was trained to do this: I have five siblings, and growing up in our household, showing up for each other was non-negotiable. But there is much more. Whenever a friend comes to mind, I reach out to them, just to see how they’re doing or to ask when we can hang out in the near future. I host small get-togethers – one of my favorites was an October 2025 party themed to the movie “Coraline.” I travel to visit my friends who live in different states at least once a year, or I plan a vacation with them.
Ayers says she approves of my practices. Even just sending a quick message to a friend because you briefly thought about it is “a brilliant practice,” she says, adding, “It’s the best thing you can do.”
The first step: “Just contact” your friends
To keep your friendships healthy and strong, Ayers recommends three things:
- “Just contact them,” she said. It doesn’t have to be very frequent, but let your friends know you appreciate them: “When they come to mind, send them a text like, ‘Hey, I’m thinking of you.'”
- Prioritize relationships built on intrinsic qualities over external qualities, Ayers recommends. Friendships built on shared values like loyalty and honesty are often far more meaningful than bonds built on more superficial qualities, she says.
- Bring something to the table in every friendship and devote a reasonable amount of time, resources, and energy to introducing yourself to your friends, even if sometimes you’d rather stay home. In other words, be the friend you want others to be to you. “It’s important to remember that you are a valued person in this relationship,” says Ayers.
Ayers and her best friend live in different states — Idaho and California, respectively — she said. They send each other voice memos throughout the week, ranging from quick check-ins to 15-minute reviews of an important update, she says.
But especially with friends who live nearby, you should take your conversations offline whenever you can, says Ayers. Even in group chats, she says, you can write something like, “Hey, I’m going to come see you in person…We (should) go to this coffee shop and just hang out,” instead of relying solely on the technology aspect for mediation. »
You can even invite your friends to your regular schedule, without having to find extra time in your calendar. Ask a friend to accompany you when you run errands or do another low-pressure activity, Ayers suggests. She invites her friends to her children’s sporting events. She says, “We can catch up on our kids going to bat or their time on the football field, and it’s a lot less pressure because there’s no expectation there.”
Being a social person requires compromise. I’m not sure I’ve had a free weekend all year. But knowing that I’ve built a community that I can count on, and vice versa, gives me a peace of mind that’s worth it. I’ll sacrifice a day spent rotting on my couch watching my favorite show for an evening of offbeat karaoke or baking midnight brownies with my stay-at-home girls in a heartbeat, over and over again.
Gn Health
