The secret to a happier, longer-lasting marriage may involve much more than chemistry and compatibility.
Recent research published in the journal Family Process found that improvements in communication and emotional safety were linked to greater relationship satisfaction.
Maintaining that connection takes effort, especially as couples settle into routines and start to feel like they already know everything about each other, according to Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, sex therapist, and integrative relationship therapist in Los Angeles.
“Compatibility can look different to different people at different times,” she told Fox News Digital. “The relationship will go through stages of development, just like you.”
From losing curiosity to avoiding difficult conversations, Nelson shared five common mistakes that can weaken a couple’s bond and ways to avoid them.
#1: Assuming You Know Everything About Your Partner
According to Nelson, losing curiosity about a partner can reduce their attraction over time.
“That’s how we fall in love, when someone is curious about us,” she said. “When they come up and say, ‘I’m so interested in you. I’m curious about you.’
“We’re attracted to something in the space between us – not so much when it’s sitting next to us on the couch every night, and so we tend to lose that curiosity.”
Even though someone may feel like they know everything about their partner — “what they like to eat, what they might like to watch on TV, what they might like in bed” — those preferences can change over time, Nelson said.
“Don’t put your partner in a box,” Nelson said, urging couples to stay curious and ask questions. “Who are they becoming? What do they think? What do they want? What is their vision of the future?”
The therapist suggested that losing curiosity about a partner can sometimes make attention from someone outside the relationship particularly appealing.
“That’s why we have affairs, right? Someone comes along and they’re fascinated by us,” she said. “We like it. And that’s why we pay a therapist, to have someone ask questions about us.”
#2: Avoid Difficult Conversations
Avoiding difficult conversations — and not paying attention to what isn’t said — can create problems in a relationship, Nelson warned.
“Be careful what you don’t talk about and why,” she advised.
When it comes to relationship issues, couples who avoid conflict may be more vulnerable than those who openly disagree.
“It’s not the people who fight and communicate all the time. It’s the people who don’t fight, don’t argue, don’t communicate,” the expert said.
Nelson encouraged couples to notice topics that cause them to withdraw or shut down during conflict — like money or sex — and instead make an effort to lean into those difficult discussions.
“You’re probably avoiding it because you don’t want to get into conflict, which is completely legitimate, but maybe pay attention to spaces where there might be more room to communicate,” she advised.
#3: Focus on what’s wrong in your sex life
When couples talk about sex, focusing on complaints rather than what’s working can make intimacy more difficult, according to Nelson.
“The key here is to not talk about what’s not working or what your partner isn’t doing or why you’re not doing it more often,” she said.
The “magic formula,” according to Nelson, is for partners to share what they like and what works.
“The key to the universe is that you get more of what you would enjoy,” she said. “If you point out that your partner isn’t acting the way you want them to, then you’re conflicted, you’re defensive, you feel bad about yourself. That’s not going to help. It’s not very sexy.”
Instead, she recommends focusing on the positive by telling a partner what they liked about their sex life, whether it’s something happening now or a meaningful experience from years ago.
“Whether you’re a new couple or have been together forever, start with something you enjoy, then something you’d enjoy more,” she suggested. “Expand on what already works.”
#4: Getting stuck in “maintenance mode”
Another potential mistake is allowing life’s daily responsibilities to crowd out opportunities for growth and enthusiasm.
Nelson encouraged couples to ask themselves whether their relationship is primarily in “maintenance mode” or “expansion mode.”
Maintenance mode involves managing the daily responsibilities of a shared life, which Nelson says is essential.
“You know, we have to pay the bills. We have to make sure the air conditioner works,” she said. “We need maintenance in a relationship, just like you need maintenance at work or just in life. But you also need expansion.”
Expansion mode, on the other hand, involves trying new things together and finding ways to keep the relationship exciting.
If there’s too much maintenance and not enough expansion, one or both partners could become bored and feel stuck, Nelson warned.
“On the other hand, if there is too much expansion, you will feel like you are always doing something new and there will be no rest and perhaps not enough connection.
“All relationships need freedom and connection.”
No. 5: Maintain feelings of connection with yourself
Couples may also miss opportunities for connection when they feel affection toward their partner but don’t express it, according to Nelson.
She encouraged couples to notice the positive emotions and physical sensations they experience when they think about their partner and to share those feelings with each other.
“Where in your heart or in your body do you feel the most “juice”, the most “vitality” when you think of your partner? she asked.
Some people are more aware of these physical sensations than others, Nelson acknowledged.
“But if you can put your hand on your heart or on your stomach or on your shoulders and say, ‘You know, when I think of you, I feel a warm feeling in my heart,’ that’s all you have to share with your partner. And sometimes that means everything to them.”
Ultimately, Nelson emphasized that avoiding these common pitfalls requires continued attention, curiosity, and a willingness to continue discovering new things about each other.
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