Key takeaways
- Venting can help you process emotions, feel understood, communicate your needs, and begin to problem-solve.
- Repeatedly focusing on frustrations can reinforce a negative outlook, increase stress, and strain relationships.
- After venting, ask if you feel more understood and clear or more frustrated. Adding an “and” or “but” can also help keep you grounded.
I love to complain. If the train was slow on the way to work, that’s the first thing I’ll mention to my colleagues when I walk through the office door. Whenever I have a problem, no matter how insignificant, I always take the time to complain about it to a friend. For years, I thought it was good for me: to move forward with my day, I felt the need to vent my frustrations.
But even I have met people who I would describe as “chronic complainers,” people who seem to find the negative in every situation. These people can feel exhausting and it can be difficult to have productive conversations with someone who always comes from a dark point of view.
It turns out that, according to psychology experts, complaining can actually benefit our mental health, but only up to a point. We asked you when it’s a good idea to air your grievances and when it might cross the line and make you feel worse.
When complaining is healthy
“Complaining can help when it allows us to express our negative emotions, communicate our feelings, and start the problem-solving process,” says Kerry Cannity, PhD, clinical health psychologist at SelfWorks.
In fact, research suggests that suppressing our emotions could be linked to poor health outcomes, including memory problems, poorer social relationships, and even heart disease. “Burying or denying negative feelings has its own costs,” adds Cannity.
Additionally, there are benefits to simply discussing an issue with an engaged and supportive person. “Having someone witness our experience can help us feel regulated and connected, especially when they don’t immediately try to fix the problem or talk us out of what we’re feeling,” says Sarah Close, LPC, a therapist at BetterHelp.
When complaining becomes unhealthy
It’s human nature to complain. Experts say the distinction between healthy and unhealthy complaining really has to do with how often one engages in it.
“If complaining becomes a habit, it can actually start to rewire the brain toward a more negative outlook,” says Cannity. “This can lead to increased attention to enraged or fear-based stimuli, which can also lead to an overall higher level of stress hormones in the brain and body.”
Research shows that when we complain, our brain releases cortisol, a stress hormone, which in excess can have detrimental effects on our sleep, blood pressure, metabolism, and other key bodily functions.
In a 1996 studyresearchers at Stanford University found that complaining — or even complaining — for half an hour or more can actually shrink the hippocampus, the part of our brain responsible for memory and emotional regulation.
Beyond the neuroscientific impacts, excessive complaining can be harmful in interpersonal relationships. “Whether between spouses, between a parent and child, or between coworkers, being the target of persistent negativity can cause people to disengage,” says relationship therapist Mary McLaughlin, LCSW. “If every conversation becomes a complaint, eventually people will want to stop having that conversation. »
How to avoid chronic complaints
The reality is that you’ll probably never completely stop complaining – and you don’t have to.
The key is to avoid complaining for the sake of complaining. Instead, think about how you can actually approach the problem at hand. After complaining, Close suggests asking yourself, “Do I feel more understood or clearer, or am I reactivating the frustration and getting pulled into the same loop?” »
In other words, does blowing off steam make you feel better, or are you just being drawn into the same spiral of negative thoughts? “With enough attention, our bodies can often tell us whether we are processing an experience or remaining activated,” Close says.
Complaining with intention can help us find the balance between expressing our emotions and maintaining a positive attitude. Cannity recommends including an “and” or “but” in your complaint. For example: “I’m really tired today because I couldn’t sleep, but I’m also looking forward to dinner tonight. » This way, you still acknowledge the negative feeling, but you don’t completely obsess over it.
Gn Health
