No one might think that Sasha* is alone, and even less so Sasha herself. The 38-year-old from Sydney maintains close, long-standing friendships, proactively staying in touch, making plans and engaging with her local community.
“All these things you read about why men can feel lonely — they don’t maintain one-on-one friendships, or they’re not good at reaching out, or their conversations aren’t deep and meaningful — none of those issues apply to me,” she says. “I’m a very socially connected person.”
Yet Sasha often felt alone during her first year of motherhood, even when she was around other people. (The names of all case studies have been changed.) She now attributes it to the intensity of the experience. “It’s the identity change of your first child, having no idea what you’re doing, learning on the fly… You feel alone.”
We’re experiencing a global loneliness crisis, with the World Health Organization (WHO) declaring it a public health priority, but it’s hard not to notice that the majority of media coverage and conversations have focused on men.
Global Google searches for “male loneliness” suddenly increased in mid-2023 and have seen frequent increases since; Interest in “female solitude” has remained minimal.
In 2024, the UK government commissioned a study into loneliness among boys and young men, although – as the final report acknowledged – girls and women were few in number. more likely to report feeling chronically alone. (Paradoxically, the researchers suggested that this was further evidence of the crisis among men, as they were less likely to speak up and seek help.)
In the media, it was conceived as a problem in its own right: “The epidemic of male loneliness”.
“When I tell people I study loneliness, they sometimes ask, ‘Oh, male loneliness?'” says Michelle Lim, a senior researcher at the University of Sydney, executive director of Australia’s Ending Loneliness Together campaign and an advisor to the WHO. “I have to say, ‘No, no – everyone solitude.'”
Given the relative lack of attention given to women and girls, one might assume that they are doing well, or at least better than men and boys. In fact, studies consistently show similar prevalence between sexes. “There’s no real difference… They’re both alone,” Lim says.
Comparisons between men’s and women’s loneliness produce mixed but insignificant results. Meanwhile, a recent systematic review of current literature on loneliness among men in the United States concluded that there was no evidence of a “widespread epidemic…”.
What is loneliness?
So why do we feel like men are particularly or uniquely struggling, and why don’t we hear about the “female loneliness epidemic”? This partly reflects a broader misunderstanding, Lim says: “We see this confusion about what loneliness is. »
Loneliness is defined as the feeling that your social relationships are somehow lacking in quality, quantity, or both. Social isolation – with which loneliness is often confused or confused – is more objective, referring to a lack of connection.
Data tends to show that men are more socially isolated than women, meaning “they have fewer people to talk to,” Lim says. Because men also tend to value physical presence and “shoulder-to-shoulder” socializing over emotional intimacy and disclosure, “the assumption is that they’re more alone,” Lim continues — but that’s not necessarily the case if they’re happy with those interactions.
Women tend to be more connected, “but they can feel lonely in a relationship,” she says. This may indicate ambivalence or interpersonal conflict, but it may also stem from a feeling of isolation and loneliness in one’s individual experience.
“A very gendered experience”
Women are more likely than men to be carers, earn less on average, are less financially secure, and are more vulnerable to adverse life events such as redundancy and divorce. “In many ways, they are more socially disadvantaged, which we know predisposes people to more loneliness,” Lim says. “It’s a question of fairness.”
This became evident at the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, when loneliness began to attract more academic and media attention. Although both men and women report feeling lonelier, the increase in women’s numbers is much greater, which experts attribute to their increased workloads, such as overseeing children’s schooling.
Spending more time on housework and caregiving not only means that women have less time and less ability to invest in their social relationships; there is also likely to be additional loneliness in shouldering this burden, says Manuela Barreto, professor of social and organizational psychology at the University of Exeter in the United Kingdom. “It’s a very gendered experience.”
Research has shown that life transitions, such as becoming a parent, can promote loneliness, but the particular factors likely differ for men and women, reflecting their different expectations and experiences.
Barreto suggests that women are often more affected by children growing up and leaving the family nest, for example, due to the expectation or reality that “being a mother is much more central to women than being a father to men.”
Menstrual health is another unique – and often underestimated – factor in women’s loneliness. A 2022 Japanese study found an association between loneliness and severe premenstrual symptoms in adolescent girls. Regular pain can promote loneliness “in a very practical way,” Barreto points out, by preventing women from being fully present with others or even socializing.
Conditions such as endometriosis are described as solitary, made worse by the lack of general and medical understanding. “You have to fend for yourself and handle things on your own,” says Barreto. “It can really make you feel very alone.”
This was the case with Sasha. She suffers from endometriosis and spent two “very difficult years” trying to have a baby through multiple miscarriages and ultimately IVF. “It was the first time in my life that I felt alone,” she says.
Miscarriages in particular, Sasha recalls, as being “the loneliest of experiences”, leading her to feel separated from loved ones and to withdraw socially. “It’s a type of grief that is very difficult to understand for people who haven’t experienced it.”
By the time she gave birth to her daughter, Sasha was “physically and emotionally exhausted.” The shock of new motherhood – far from the easy, blissful state she had expected – deepened her sense of alienation and ambivalence. “Especially after you have a much-desired baby that you really fought for, you think, ‘I’m not allowed to feel anything but joy,'” she says.
after newsletter promotion
Even his partner couldn’t understand, despite his best efforts. “He is very involved but… my experience was very different from his,” explains Sasha. “He still went to work; his life hadn’t changed to the same extent.”
“Like a feeling of panic”
Loneliness can also arise from self-comparison and the feeling of having deviated from the expected or accepted path – itself often gendered. For Laura*, 41, from Auckland, loneliness is “almost like a feeling of panic.”
She remembers going to dinner with a group of school friends and realizing halfway through that they had been talking exclusively about their children. Laura was the only non-relative among them.
It’s not that she didn’t want to hear about their families, she said, and there was no deliberate effort to exclude her. “It was both the feeling that no one was particularly interested in what might happen for me in my life, and also the feeling of being excluded from this experience.”
Laura emphasizes that she doesn’t often feel alone. “It comes and goes, and it depends a lot on mood, what’s going on at work, who is in my general orbit, the weather – all of these factors that I think also affect mental health more generally.”
But his experience of solitude is linked to the circumstances of his life. Laura is single and lives alone, while many of her close friends have families or live far away. “I’m at a very different stage in my life,” she says.
Laura works hard to expand her network and socialize solo, but it takes effort; He misses the easy, mindless companionship of a romantic partner or even roommates. Not having “that default togetherness” – someone to commiserate with or celebrate with and just share your daily experience – “makes you feel like you’re doing everything alone,” Laura says.
Gender stereotypes add another layer of ambivalence, she suggests. “A single man is self-reliant, taking this bold and courageous step, while a woman living alone is a failure, left on the shelf…a strange and unlovable spinster.” It’s not that she believes that about herself, Laura adds. “I’m more worried that this is how others perceive me.”
Men have their own drivers of loneliness, including the expectation to be stoic and self-sufficient. In fact, it might attract attention…
Gn Health
